What's to love about Pregnancy?

It's Throw Back Thursday, so I'm taking you back to the days, not long ago, when I was the size of a small manatee. When people talk about how much they LOVED being pregnant, a little piece of me shrivels up and dies...because they are TOTALLY lying. I had two life-sucking leeches in my small uterus that took my life energy, while I denied myself the basic joys of living (you know, alcohol, exercise, sex). I'm old, 37, plus I had twin babies, plus I took fertility meds...so this pregnancy was high-risk on every level imaginable, BUT I can't imagine it'd be any more enjoyable had I been younger or only carrying one baby. God bless my husband for being such a good sport!

I escaped nausea and puking and being completely miserable when eating! SCORE! Oh wait, what does that mean exactly? It means I ate everything in sight and had the weight gain to prove it... I was out of breath walking up a flight of stairs. I didn't look pregnant, I just looked plain FAT.

Oh and then there's bed rest, ugh. The placenta... you know, the nasty thing that lives alongside your baby and feeds them until they're born...yeah, well mine was over my cervix. Guess that that means?! BED REST! Ok, ok, for all of you that think, "I would LOVE to be able to just lay in bed all day every.single.day. and watch TV, read, and relax," you're only fooling yourself! You'd hate it. The mere mention of it made me cry (the only time I cried during my whole pregnancy, yay for me). It's worse than prison. I'd rather have gotten pillaged by a crazed lesbian in my jail cell than have to lay there for another day!



What you wish you looked like waddling

Waddling isn't a good look. Nobody looks sexy when they waddle. When you're "with baby/babies" you can ONLY waddle. People comment in public about how cute you are and you want to claw their eyes out, just for fun!

You like sleep? FORGET ABOUT IT! I don't know if it's the hormones flowing or the fact that beached whales can't be comfortable on land, but if you sleep a couple hours each night, consider it a blessing. FIND A HOBBY! My house is filled with art and DIY projects because, yep, you guessed it, that's what I did ALL NIGHT LONG every.single.night!

Peeing all the time? Back aches? Nah, I traded BOTH of those in for a nightly dose of reflux. Do yourself a favor, get some OTC meds. I waited way too long because I didn't want it to hurt the babies. Your baby won't care if you take pharmaceuticals (the little leeches also enjoy an adult beverage every now and then).

Towards the end you're checking for stretch marks every day. You wonder how you can be so big but not have any. Don't just check your belly! Check those chunky thighs of yours too. It's silly, really. NO amount of cocoa butter lotion will help so just go with the flow. If you don't get them, great (I only have a few), if you get them, just do what other women do, and PRETEND they're great, pretend you love them, and tell others "you earned them". Bwhahaha, yeah right!

Then you reach the final stages. You are SO excited to be done with pregnancy, because, face it, it sucks! The end result is great, but the process, not so much. You wake up one morning and your crotch feels like it's just going to fall out. How can a crotch fall out you ask? I have no idea, but if you've been through a pregnancy, you know what I'm talking about.



Yes, that's really me. YIKES!

Thanks for joining me on this rant! Until next time, folks!

Overnight Diapers

Tonight I bought overnight diapers. True story folks! My demons are sleeping through the night. What dimwit (why have I always thought the word was "nimwit"?) defined "sleeping through the night" anyway? Six hours seems to be the magic number...boy what a crock. I feel totally gipped! You put them down at 7:30, and if they don't wake up until 1:30 then they've slept through the night?!?! BUT my magical demons are sleeping from 7:30pm to 6:30am with minimal interruptions. There is the sporadic screaming, the moaning for their damn binkies, and the "I just want to know someone else is still alive" mumblings that go on, but for the most part, my wish has been granted and they now SLEEP!

This brings us to the need for "overnight diapers". I've been lucky so far (I mean, it has been ten days that they've slept for 11 hours straight each night) and only had wet clothes to deal with. Are overnight diapers real? Do they really hold more? Why aren't all of us parents using these overnight diapers ALL OF THE TIME?! Will my kids look like miniature sumo wrestlers when they wake up in the morning? I have no idea what to expect. Although I'm the usual optimist (that kind others want to slap), I see these diapers as being nothing more than a marketing ploy used to get us to spend double the money we spend on our daytime diapers...
 

They may look sweet and innocent, but they plot my demise every step of the way!