Road Rage... and Other General Anger Issues ;)

Driving along, you always think your own driving is far superior to any of the other drivers on the road. I mean, YOU are the one that's cautious... you use your turn signals and your rearview mirror after all! SO what if you've caught yourself veering into another lane a time or two OR that you MIGHT have, ACCIDENTALLY, cut off that car when you were turning out of the grocery store parking lot...causing the unsuspecting person to slam on their brakes and the car behind them (who wasn't paying attention) to yank their steering wheel so hard they had to overcorrect, hence doing a little 360 degree "dance", if you will. YOUR own superior driving skills are never brought into question (well, maybe by your spouse, grrrrr)! For the record, when I do make a "bad driving decision", I feel bad and I try to wave, with an apologetic look on my face. NEVER pretend you have no idea that you did anything wrong; that's just annoying!

I have a problem...a problem with road rage (and probably losing my temper in general)! I don't carry a gun for this very reason...I can just picture the headlines "The Minivan Road Rage Bandit Shoots Yet Another Elderly Driver/Vegas Pedestrian/Vacationer/'Any Category of Person'"! With that being said, I rarely get angry, but when I do, watch out! Few have seen my inner monster rise up and I'm pretty sure the one's that have are still laughing to this day!

Just the other day, the boys fell asleep in their car seats so I decided to take the long way home, down Las Vegas Blvd (probably not a good idea for any person with anger issues)! I was stopped at a red light and there was a crosswalk behind me. The light turned green, the cars in front of me stepped on the gas...I do the same (duh) and this CRAZY, StUpID, B***** walks right in front of me! I slam on the brakes and immediately, my heart rate starts to increase in direct proportion with her level of DUMB (I can always feel the rage coming)! This lady then practically crawls up my front bumper and onto the hood of my minivan while shaking her fist and screaming. Yep, this pushed me over the edge. Mind you, the light is still green, there's a ton of traffic behind me and it only makes sense to ignore the lady. Do I ever do what makes sense? NO WAY! I slam the minivan into park and throw open my door (after looking in my side view mirror to make sure I was clear, of course)... OH WAIT, I have BABIES in the back...sleeping soundly...who don't know their mother is a raging lunatic when it comes to people that are dumber than rocks and not afraid to prove it! I take a deep breath and wait for the moment to pass, shutting my door. The lady apparently saw the rage in my eyes because she scurried off, not looking back. I proceed with caution.

I used to work in banking... where keeping anger in check was mandatory if you valued your job (which I did)! Let me tell you, the number of people that come into a bank and are persistent in their stupidity is astronomical (ask anyone in the industry)! A "repeat offender" for overdrafts waltzed into my office, and demanded a fee be reversed. I explained to her that during our last conversation we had agreed that I would be waiving no more fees and that she needed to take responsibility for making sure she had money in the account. It was a pretty simple concept, don't you think? No money = no spend! Me saying no more fee reversals = no more fee reversals! Even someone with an elementary school education gets this! This girl proceeded to "talk" louder and louder, using profanity while becoming more an more demanding. Usually, I kept my composure, remained professional, diffused the situation, and tricked myself into keeping my mouth shut. Well, when this girl saw I wasn't budging with my decision, she gets up from her chair, stomps to the doorway, turns around...shouts "F*** YOU!" at me, and slams my office door shut. *Commence anger issue now!* I leapt out of my chair and to the door, throwing it open. I caught a glimpse of the back of her heading out through the automatic doors and, in my business attire and heels, I began to chase her (because I was going to beat her a** in the parking lot)! I didn't care about my job at this point, I didn't care about the line of patrons in my lobby. I cared about one thing only and that was getting my paws on this miserable excuse for a human! Scrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech! I'm sure that's the sound my heels made on the floor when Shirley, my friend and coworker, grabbed the back of my suit jacket to stop me (her office was next to mind and she heard the whole thing going down). Apparently she valued my job more than I did! I simply turned to the customers, smiled, and went back to my office, closing the door calmly! Shirley was laughing, my staff was laughing, and I, too, began laughing. I couldn't believe I had let this girl get under my skin!

What's the point of me sharing my stories of rage with you, you ask? Well, I just want to let people know that they are not alone in their road rage ;) Rage happens! People consider me even tempered and easily able to keep my cool yet I STILL have my moments :) Am I proud of these moments? They're kinda funny actually. Am I able to learn from them? Enough to keep me alive! I'll let you in on a few secrets to keeping your calm. When you come across someone who incites rage in you, picture them with an ax stick out of their head...this always brings satisfaction to me :) Next, since rationalizing does no good, remind yourself of the many people that carry guns and how you don't want to end up dead on Las Vegas Blvd with two sleeping babies in your backseat! You'll still be angry at this point so take a deep breath and count backwards from ten. When that doesn't work, just drive on...life is too short to stay angry!

Things To Do With Your Baby

Soooooo, you have no idea what to do with your bundle of joy once they're home from the hospital? Totally understandable! I mean, they don't move around  much; they are pretty much just stationary, milk-sucking, smaller versions of a real human! They're somewhat like pets at this point! Yet, you are super eager to use all of the fabulous play mats and toys that you got at your baby shower, so you lay your little one down on the mat and wait...and wait...and wait some more. They'll eventually at least reach for some of the hanging things right? Ehhhh, probably not! This "lack of activity" doesn't last for just a day or two either, it will last months! DO NOT feel bad! It's just the way it is! They don't hate the gifts they were given, they just have no idea what their purpose is at this point!

Don't feel bad! I remember feeling bad because Jax and Alek (my little twin monsters) would just lay there, looking around, sleeping, eating, pooping, eating, pooping, sleeping - you get the idea! I felt like they were totally BORED! WTF was I thinking?! They don't even know what being bored is and even if they did, there was no possible way that they were bored! Imagine being all blind and snuggled up in the wet wonderland of a uterus (gross) and then being spewed out into our big, bright world! Yeah, they're not bored. They're acclimating themselves to being in a totally different setting than they had grown accustomed to. They can't see real well, everything is a billion times louder now, and there's more space around them than they know what to do with!

You're not a bad mom if you're not holding them 24/7. I mean, if you want to, and like that kind of thing, by all means, hold them all the time (they won't get spoiled just yet)! I'm not that kind of mom. I love the little guys but I also hate sitting still for too long! Of course they need held and cuddled and loved, but they will also be fine if you leave them be to figure out some stuff on their own!

The first few months are pretty harsh when it comes to their sedentary "lifestyle"! I've put together a list of ten things I did with my boys from 0-5"ish" months old that kept all three of us entertained. Trust me, you will question your sanity at some point and these activities will give you a little release (or perhaps just confirm your insanity)!

1- Lay them on their play mats even if they don't "play"! They are looking at all the hanging objects you've put in front of them. They will eventually start to interact with the stuff. Plus, someone once told me that babies that have nothing above them to look at will "turn out dumb", lol! There's actually research on that, and I will say that the findings do show that the visual stimulation is great for them.



Alek

Jax

2- Draw eyebrows on them and let them look in the mirror! It will be more entertaining for you than them, but babies LOVE mirrors!

3- Do baby art. get some water-based acrylic paints and a canvas. Paint up your little one's hands, feet, booty...whatever, and use them as a human stamp to make a DIY wall hanging! Make sure you use colors that you would want to display! So much easier to incorporate with your décor than the god awful "feet butterflies" people seem to be fond of making. You know, the ones that end up crushed between the pages of a baby book. With that being said, IF butterfly footprint art can be easily incorporated into your décor, you've got bigger issues than figuring out things to do with your little one!

4- Engage in a tickle war. Mine love it when we lightly bite their ribs and blow on their stomachs. Maybe it's because they're boys and the "fart like" sound that blowing on their stomach makes, is engrained in their DNA to be funny. Now don't expect some fantastic bellowing laugh from them until they're a few months old, but when you hear that first laugh, you'll want to hear it over and over!

5- Turn on some horrible music that you love (Vanilla Ice or maybe some Soulja Boy) and hold them upright, making them dance...kinda like a puppet. Again, probably more entertaining for you than them, BUT you're getting them used to movements and they'll never know you're laughing at them and not with them ;)

6- Take them for walks. Lots and lots of walks. It's good for you and good for them. Don't be one of these moms that doesn't want to expose their kids to the elements. Dress them according to the weather and let them get out! We live in Las Vegas and it gets pretty hot here, so we "visit" the local malls and the shopping forums in the casinos to walk. If you choose to do the mall thing, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT plan on getting any actual shopping done.

7- Sing and dance for them. They don't know that you have been kicked out of karaoke bars for having a voice so bad that chimpanzees scream at the sound of it. They just know that you're smiling and having fun!

8- Let them hold different objects. It's fun to see what they like and don't like, plus it lets them get used to different textures. My monsters love to take soft blankets and rub on their faces. Now, I would never leave them alone to do this, but it's super cute when they shut their eyes and seem to enjoy it so much. They hate wooden spoons.

9- Play in front of a mirror. Have I mentioned that babies love mirrors? Hold them, so that you're both facing the mirror and lean towards it and away from it. Make faces at them in the mirror. I recommend putting some makeup on so that you don't scare yourself; that "glow" you had while preggers might not have endured the birthing process!

10- I might be pushing the envelope with this one, BUT that's what I'm good at. So... you're going to be stressed; this is a huge life changing event, you're sleep deprived, and this is a whole new "normal" that you're experiencing. Take the tension out of situations and use your best ooogly googly baby voice to say things to them like, "Ohhhh did you crap yourself?" "Did my little man sh** himself?", "Why, aren't you just the most annoying little creature!", "Can you just STFU for mama for just a few minutes?"... I find this activity highly fulfilling, and since you're using a "sweet as pie" voice, they generally just smile and laugh. PLUS, you won't be able to do this activity once they start mimicking sounds!

Cesarean/C-section Delivery

Wow, another Throw Back Thursday is here already! Ok, so it's Monday, but in Mommyland, all days blend together. This week, I'll walk you through my C-section!

"Are you wanting to try to have your twins NATURALLY?" My high-risk doctor asked a couple months into my pregnancy. I wanted to blurt out "HELL NO"... wait, who are we kidding, that's EXACTLY what I said to him! I then asked his thoughts on the matter and, after chuckling, he told me that it was rare for a first time mother of twins to be able to push them both out. What's this mean? It means that if you try to do it naturally and fail, then you've messed up your abdomen along with your "tender parts"! NO THANK YOU!

You work so hard to survive endless months of "the joys of pregnancy", so why not make the delivery easy? For a control freak, like myself, this is PERFECTION! Here's how my delivery went...

Scheduled for December 7th at 10:00. Went to the rodeo the night before. Got a late night call that we were moving the delivery to 1:00. NEVER HAD ANY CONTRACTIONS! Had babies. Ok, ok, so that's a TINY bit abbreviated...here's a little more detail.

Marc excited and ready to go!

We got to the hospital and gowned up; I got my IV. Marc got in his daddy blue gear, aka scrubs, and they took all of my vitals. BORING. Then comes the fun! They wheeled me to the operating room (because apparently they don't feel I'm capable of walking?) and introduce me to the TEAM, yes team, of people that were going to be there. The anesthesiologist began the spinal block. "Sit up and lean over", he says. "Lean over more," he says. WTF? Now I'm not sure how exactly I'm supposed to lean over any more when my stomach is the size of a large beach ball? However, since this guy is in control of my level of comfort, I kept my mouth shut. Marc watches from a window while the good doc tries several times to find an opening between my vertebrae...I heard it looked gross and I KNOW it hurt like hell! Finally he jammed that thing in there and all was good.

They laid me down, the flimsy partition went up... I went numb. I rapidly spouted off to Marc that I was terrified by the fact they were slicing me open and yanking things out of me! The worst part...they tell you EVERYTHING before they do it. I DON'T want to know when you're sliding a scalpel across my oh-so-tender skin and I especially DON'T want to know when you're cutting into my uterus. GROSS! I asked Marc if he wanted to "venture to the other side of the partition"; he said no before I was even done asking! I caught a glimpse of what was going on, in the reflection on the overhead hanging light, before I jerked my head away so fast that I surely had a mild case of whiplash!

Babies with what appears to be my floating head...

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" cried Jax, formerly known as "baby number 1". They whisked him by to clean him off and what did I say, you ask? My first word, in regards to my precious firstborn was, indeed, "EWWWWWWWWW".  Come on now, really though? Those things are covered in grossness and shouldn't be seen until they're prettied up a bit anyway! No sooner was I trying to retract my "Ewwwwww" (or at least defend it), "baby number 2", Alek was crying!

Marc held my hand while they sewed me up...oh wait, that's the story I made up in my head! What Marc really did was LEAVE ME on the operating table, abdomen wide open. Why? So he could go see his little babies! How quickly I became number three on his list of priorities ;) Both babies were perfect in every way...they were hella ugly little creatures but they were "perfect" hella ugly little creatures! (Do NOT scroll down if baby penis' scares you!)

Jax and Alek..."precious".

I laid there for another 15 minutes, ALONE (not that I'm still bitter), and the whole thing was over. 25 minutes from start to finish was all it took! So, if you're fearing a C-section, be thankful it's 25ish minutes of numb fun vs possible hours of labor followed by the tearing of your "tender parts"!

Maybe next TBT, I'll tell you what your hospital stay will be like ;) Until next time friends...

What's to love about Pregnancy?

It's Throw Back Thursday, so I'm taking you back to the days, not long ago, when I was the size of a small manatee. When people talk about how much they LOVED being pregnant, a little piece of me shrivels up and dies...because they are TOTALLY lying. I had two life-sucking leeches in my small uterus that took my life energy, while I denied myself the basic joys of living (you know, alcohol, exercise, sex). I'm old, 37, plus I had twin babies, plus I took fertility meds...so this pregnancy was high-risk on every level imaginable, BUT I can't imagine it'd be any more enjoyable had I been younger or only carrying one baby. God bless my husband for being such a good sport!

I escaped nausea and puking and being completely miserable when eating! SCORE! Oh wait, what does that mean exactly? It means I ate everything in sight and had the weight gain to prove it... I was out of breath walking up a flight of stairs. I didn't look pregnant, I just looked plain FAT.

Oh and then there's bed rest, ugh. The placenta... you know, the nasty thing that lives alongside your baby and feeds them until they're born...yeah, well mine was over my cervix. Guess that that means?! BED REST! Ok, ok, for all of you that think, "I would LOVE to be able to just lay in bed all day every.single.day. and watch TV, read, and relax," you're only fooling yourself! You'd hate it. The mere mention of it made me cry (the only time I cried during my whole pregnancy, yay for me). It's worse than prison. I'd rather have gotten pillaged by a crazed lesbian in my jail cell than have to lay there for another day!



What you wish you looked like waddling

Waddling isn't a good look. Nobody looks sexy when they waddle. When you're "with baby/babies" you can ONLY waddle. People comment in public about how cute you are and you want to claw their eyes out, just for fun!

You like sleep? FORGET ABOUT IT! I don't know if it's the hormones flowing or the fact that beached whales can't be comfortable on land, but if you sleep a couple hours each night, consider it a blessing. FIND A HOBBY! My house is filled with art and DIY projects because, yep, you guessed it, that's what I did ALL NIGHT LONG every.single.night!

Peeing all the time? Back aches? Nah, I traded BOTH of those in for a nightly dose of reflux. Do yourself a favor, get some OTC meds. I waited way too long because I didn't want it to hurt the babies. Your baby won't care if you take pharmaceuticals (the little leeches also enjoy an adult beverage every now and then).

Towards the end you're checking for stretch marks every day. You wonder how you can be so big but not have any. Don't just check your belly! Check those chunky thighs of yours too. It's silly, really. NO amount of cocoa butter lotion will help so just go with the flow. If you don't get them, great (I only have a few), if you get them, just do what other women do, and PRETEND they're great, pretend you love them, and tell others "you earned them". Bwhahaha, yeah right!

Then you reach the final stages. You are SO excited to be done with pregnancy, because, face it, it sucks! The end result is great, but the process, not so much. You wake up one morning and your crotch feels like it's just going to fall out. How can a crotch fall out you ask? I have no idea, but if you've been through a pregnancy, you know what I'm talking about.



Yes, that's really me. YIKES!

Thanks for joining me on this rant! Until next time, folks!

Overnight Diapers

Tonight I bought overnight diapers. True story folks! My demons are sleeping through the night. What dimwit (why have I always thought the word was "nimwit"?) defined "sleeping through the night" anyway? Six hours seems to be the magic number...boy what a crock. I feel totally gipped! You put them down at 7:30, and if they don't wake up until 1:30 then they've slept through the night?!?! BUT my magical demons are sleeping from 7:30pm to 6:30am with minimal interruptions. There is the sporadic screaming, the moaning for their damn binkies, and the "I just want to know someone else is still alive" mumblings that go on, but for the most part, my wish has been granted and they now SLEEP!

This brings us to the need for "overnight diapers". I've been lucky so far (I mean, it has been ten days that they've slept for 11 hours straight each night) and only had wet clothes to deal with. Are overnight diapers real? Do they really hold more? Why aren't all of us parents using these overnight diapers ALL OF THE TIME?! Will my kids look like miniature sumo wrestlers when they wake up in the morning? I have no idea what to expect. Although I'm the usual optimist (that kind others want to slap), I see these diapers as being nothing more than a marketing ploy used to get us to spend double the money we spend on our daytime diapers...
 

They may look sweet and innocent, but they plot my demise every step of the way!