Keepin' it Real! Advice to new parents...and moms in general ;)

Motherhood is overwhelming at best...on a good day! Now I'm not saying it's "overwhelmingly bad", I'm just saying it is a lot to take on. Before the baby gets here you read all kinds of monotonous information about what to expect during the first year. Yes, of course, there are bits and pieces that might actually apply to YOU, YOUR relationship with your spouse, YOUR body, and even YOUR baby but let's face it, most of the information out there is best-case scenario dipped in a nice sugary, candy shell. So, you ask, "What is worse than getting bits and pieces of the truth from 'informational sources' as you battle your way through your first year as a parent?" How about getting a big, steamy pile of misinformation from other moms who are TOO SCARED to tell it how it is!

Competition amongst moms is alive and well in our society - trust in that. It's more vicious out there than a cockfight ring gone bad! There's always the moms that have to one up the other moms. You know the ones... the ones that have you thinking that their baby flew right out of the chute fully potty trained and singing their ABC's. C'mon now ladies, let's KEEP IT REAL. We all know your baby is your pride and joy; my babies are the most perfect little angels too! Ok, ok, no, they're not. Not by any stretch of even the most imaginative of imaginations. As a parent, we need to focus on the truth when it comes to our little ones and leave the embellishing for other parts of our lives (perhaps the sex life...just sayin'). We need to quit omitting the "not so great" parts of motherhood so that new mommies know they're not alone. What's the old adage? "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best"?

With a year of motherhood under my belt, I feel competent enough at this point to give this advice - Other moms suck. Other moms lie. Other moms want you to think their babies crap Skittles and fart rainbows. Other moms are insecure and fear they're doing something wrong so they withhold information that you, as a new mom, might like to have. Other moms want to have the smartest, fastest, prettiest, tallest, best-dressed baby in the world! Other moms don't want you to know their baby's "perceived" issues because in their mind it might reflect poorly on them.

I get it moms! Really, I do. I can't tell you how many times, in my control freakish frenzies, I've looked at my baby boys and thought, "What the heck am I doing WRONG? I'm totally failing at this mom thing!" as they slapped me in the face, cried uncontrollably, threw themselves on the floor, fell off the bed, fell of the couch...you get the picture. Back up the bus, let me be fair. There are many people in my immediate circle that are honest and open about the trials and tribulations of motherhood. With that being said, however, I've found that generally, moms won't share "bad things" with other moms on a casual basis. STOP THE INSANITY ladies!

I've never been good at glossing over the truth- in fact, my inability to lie has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. The way I see it, we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses; this is true of our babies as well. I'm going to reveal some truths, as I've experienced them, during the first year of trying (and succeeding) at keeping two gorgeous little worms alive and thriving.

1. Sometimes the little critter is just not going to sleep. When I say "sometimes", I'm talking NEVER. Sleep is overrated anyhow! You're going to wonder how you function. You'll research and try everything imaginable to get the little booger to sleep. Just stop. Really. You'll drive yourself nuts for no reason because the sad truth is, when they're that little, they'll start sleeping all night "when they damn well please". You'll live, they'll live, and you'll be on to a new, and equally annoying, infant phase!
2. Bad moods are a part of life - even a baby's. I don't know how it happens, but demonic forces WILL take over your child at some point. Hopefully not often and hopefully when it happens, it will subside quickly. I never knew throwing yourself on the floor repeatedly while crying and screaming was an inborn characteristic...until I had babies.
3. Changing diapers sucks. I don't know one person who is excited to smell the petting-zoo-like aroma that clings to your olfactory glands for hours after the deed is done. I don't know one person who can't wait to see what kind of poop was created by the prior meal. My advice - pass it off to your partner as often as possible ;)
4. There will be accidents and you WILL feel terrible. These creatures are quick and they wiggle and they like to trick you. I swear it's a game to them! You'll lay them on the couch, turn to grab a diaper and...THUD...they've met the floor. They freak out, you freak out... you might cry, you'll worry for days, and you'll feel like the worst mom alive. I'd tell you to not be so hard on yourself but it won't do one bit of good.
5. Your baby might have ears that stick out, so what! Just nickname them "Shrekky" and move on. Embrace their differences! Remember, you're going to be molding these young minds and, while they don't know any better now, as they develop more cognitive abilities, you'll want them to love everything about themselves :)
6. You're going to have questions. You're going to ask people things. You are going to hear, "You know your baby better than anyone and you'll just FEEL/KNOW what the right thing for him/her is". Now, trust me when I say that you're going to want to slap the mouth of the 20th person that says this to you (I'm not sure if that's because of the hormones raging through your post pregnancy body or just the general fact that it's annoying).We aren't all born with some instinctual spirit guide whispering in our ear. For those of you that were, good for you! Know this new moms: you don't have to know how to handle every instance, you just have to know where to go to figure out what to do! If you've ever had a job, it's the same theory, different application.
7. Lastly, your baby will likely bite, hit, and scratch you and others while smiling. They are going to do bad things while looking at you to let you know, that they know, they're being bad. They'll sling food while "feeding" and smile. Sooner or later you'll catch on - smiling is their defense against the world.  It's hard to keep a straight face and reprimand them when they're being so darn cute. Do it anyway! Ahhhh, who am I fooling - it's impossible.

Hopefully moms will get it someday. Hopefully moms will realize the truth about babies isn't so bad. Hopefully "baby perfection" will become a thing of the past and moms will share stories of truth.In the end, what matters? Keeping it real, what matters is that you've kept incredibly determined, innocent, strong-willed, life-draining, soul-sucking, time-consuming, totally dependent and needy, miniature beings alive (sometimes just barely)! And, if you're lucky like me, they happen to be pretty darn cute too ;)

P.S.  I'll try to blog more often and give lots of unsolicited life advice! Muahahahah

Notes for the Babysitter

Jax: Less hair
Alek: More hair

            11:00 – Bottles (on counter)

12:00 – Lunch (each gets one of the little plastic containers in fridge) I feed them one at time because they’re super impatient and LOVE food (kinda like me, ugh)! If they don’t finish the food, that’s fine.

1:30 – Naptime. They will start getting moody between 1 and 2 so you can put them down anytime. Alek’s crib is closest to the window. They’ll probably sleep two+ hours!

3-4 – I’ll more than likely be back by 3 J

· They’re both “floor babies” now! They stay on the floor unless held because they will roll off the couch and die…dead babies are not good! (OK, they probably wouldn’t really die; I know this from experience!)

· They can play together if you’re down there with them; otherwise, keep them apart or they will gouge each other’s eyes out.

· Beware! They’ve moved on from just pulling hair to scratching. These monsters will dig their little claws into any part of you and they have no mercy!

· Dump out whatever toys you want them to have (in the baskets by the fireplace); they love the little rubber blocks to play with (and chew on). If there’s more than three things they get overwhelmed and are cranky AND cry AND whine (super annoying). Guess why they do this. Yep, evilness.

· I’m trying to teach them the word “no” but they have no idea what it means! So if you say no and they look at you and just smile, it’s because they’re evil!

· When you put them down for a nap, pop a binkie in (found in cribs) and leave the room (if you stand there, they cry). They will likely cry anyway so wait a few minutes and go back in to put their binkies back in their mouths…again, they’re evil! They should nap for 2-3 hours (if not, no big deal). They ALSO might wake up during the nap; before getting them up, pop a binkie in to see if they will go back the f*** to sleep J

· Help yourself to anything in fridge or cabinets! Stress eating is fully permitted in this house!

Cesarean/C-section Delivery

Wow, another Throw Back Thursday is here already! Ok, so it's Monday, but in Mommyland, all days blend together. This week, I'll walk you through my C-section!

"Are you wanting to try to have your twins NATURALLY?" My high-risk doctor asked a couple months into my pregnancy. I wanted to blurt out "HELL NO"... wait, who are we kidding, that's EXACTLY what I said to him! I then asked his thoughts on the matter and, after chuckling, he told me that it was rare for a first time mother of twins to be able to push them both out. What's this mean? It means that if you try to do it naturally and fail, then you've messed up your abdomen along with your "tender parts"! NO THANK YOU!

You work so hard to survive endless months of "the joys of pregnancy", so why not make the delivery easy? For a control freak, like myself, this is PERFECTION! Here's how my delivery went...

Scheduled for December 7th at 10:00. Went to the rodeo the night before. Got a late night call that we were moving the delivery to 1:00. NEVER HAD ANY CONTRACTIONS! Had babies. Ok, ok, so that's a TINY bit abbreviated...here's a little more detail.

Marc excited and ready to go!

We got to the hospital and gowned up; I got my IV. Marc got in his daddy blue gear, aka scrubs, and they took all of my vitals. BORING. Then comes the fun! They wheeled me to the operating room (because apparently they don't feel I'm capable of walking?) and introduce me to the TEAM, yes team, of people that were going to be there. The anesthesiologist began the spinal block. "Sit up and lean over", he says. "Lean over more," he says. WTF? Now I'm not sure how exactly I'm supposed to lean over any more when my stomach is the size of a large beach ball? However, since this guy is in control of my level of comfort, I kept my mouth shut. Marc watches from a window while the good doc tries several times to find an opening between my vertebrae...I heard it looked gross and I KNOW it hurt like hell! Finally he jammed that thing in there and all was good.

They laid me down, the flimsy partition went up... I went numb. I rapidly spouted off to Marc that I was terrified by the fact they were slicing me open and yanking things out of me! The worst part...they tell you EVERYTHING before they do it. I DON'T want to know when you're sliding a scalpel across my oh-so-tender skin and I especially DON'T want to know when you're cutting into my uterus. GROSS! I asked Marc if he wanted to "venture to the other side of the partition"; he said no before I was even done asking! I caught a glimpse of what was going on, in the reflection on the overhead hanging light, before I jerked my head away so fast that I surely had a mild case of whiplash!

Babies with what appears to be my floating head...

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" cried Jax, formerly known as "baby number 1". They whisked him by to clean him off and what did I say, you ask? My first word, in regards to my precious firstborn was, indeed, "EWWWWWWWWW".  Come on now, really though? Those things are covered in grossness and shouldn't be seen until they're prettied up a bit anyway! No sooner was I trying to retract my "Ewwwwww" (or at least defend it), "baby number 2", Alek was crying!

Marc held my hand while they sewed me up...oh wait, that's the story I made up in my head! What Marc really did was LEAVE ME on the operating table, abdomen wide open. Why? So he could go see his little babies! How quickly I became number three on his list of priorities ;) Both babies were perfect in every way...they were hella ugly little creatures but they were "perfect" hella ugly little creatures! (Do NOT scroll down if baby penis' scares you!)

Jax and Alek..."precious".

I laid there for another 15 minutes, ALONE (not that I'm still bitter), and the whole thing was over. 25 minutes from start to finish was all it took! So, if you're fearing a C-section, be thankful it's 25ish minutes of numb fun vs possible hours of labor followed by the tearing of your "tender parts"!

Maybe next TBT, I'll tell you what your hospital stay will be like ;) Until next time friends...

Teething Demon Babies


Most babies give their parents a break between not sleeping through the night and teething. Not only did my "now teething babies" NOT give us a break, they actually overlapped this whole timeline thing they're supposed to follow (what jerks)! Ok, so they're babies; I'll cut them a little slack and I'll be thankful that we are actually getting this all over with sooner rather than later.



Photo by Polar Cruises

My monsters got their two bottom teeth at four months and now they're working on their top teeth.  I swear, when babies cut teeth they morph into demons. There's no nice way to put it. You'd think they were sprouting walrus tusks with the way they carry on. I'm not into medications for babies (or adults for that matter), so they don't get the "almighty" teething pills I've heard so much about. What do they get? They get frozen wash cloths, teething rings, and, their favorite, MY FINGER!


Here's my suggestions on dealing with teething babies.

1) Distract them. I don't care how you do it. Distracted babies are happy babies! I choose to dance around like a banchee in my living room. I shake my booty, I do the chicken dance, I even did a somersault today! Have you ever thought about what a weird word somersault is? Somersault.

2) When you've burned more calories than you've taken in for the day AND the teething babies are no longer amused with your cool dance moves, shove that frozen washcloth in their mouth. A full piehole is a quiet piehole! How exactly do you freeze a washcloth? First, wash a few with no detergent and use some vinegar in the wash cycle (to remove all the chemicals). If they've dried, get them wet and ring them out. At this point you can just wad them up and throw them in the freezer, BUT what I do is roll them up into tight little Swiss Cake Roll looking things. You're done. Give them to your teething babies as needed.

3) Your demonic, teething babies will only chew on these washcloths for so long and then they're back to carrying on like nobody's business. At this point, let them scream for a few minutes to tire them out, and put them down for a nap. FORGET about their "schedule" because your sanity is more important! I figure they need extra sleep anyway... growing teeth is hard work don't you know!

4) The babies will wake up at some point...and you will cringe. But don't worry, it will be fine! This is temporary! Keep that in mind! I've found they've kind of reset themselves after sleeping, so they're good to play for a while before they "remember" they hate life. Let them play! I put them on their play mats (and keep all small toys away) so that they don't focus on things that fit in their mouths.

5) Keep repeating this horrid cycle until bedtime. Mix it up a bit throughout the day by keeping your "adult sippy cup" aka wine glass (or in my case, Jack and Coke cup) full. Buy some earplugs; trust me, you can still hear their screams with them in. And, remember, "enjoy these times because they don't last forever"! Bwhahahaha, don't you love (hate) it when people tell you that ;)

What's to love about Pregnancy?

It's Throw Back Thursday, so I'm taking you back to the days, not long ago, when I was the size of a small manatee. When people talk about how much they LOVED being pregnant, a little piece of me shrivels up and dies...because they are TOTALLY lying. I had two life-sucking leeches in my small uterus that took my life energy, while I denied myself the basic joys of living (you know, alcohol, exercise, sex). I'm old, 37, plus I had twin babies, plus I took fertility meds...so this pregnancy was high-risk on every level imaginable, BUT I can't imagine it'd be any more enjoyable had I been younger or only carrying one baby. God bless my husband for being such a good sport!

I escaped nausea and puking and being completely miserable when eating! SCORE! Oh wait, what does that mean exactly? It means I ate everything in sight and had the weight gain to prove it... I was out of breath walking up a flight of stairs. I didn't look pregnant, I just looked plain FAT.

Oh and then there's bed rest, ugh. The placenta... you know, the nasty thing that lives alongside your baby and feeds them until they're born...yeah, well mine was over my cervix. Guess that that means?! BED REST! Ok, ok, for all of you that think, "I would LOVE to be able to just lay in bed all day every.single.day. and watch TV, read, and relax," you're only fooling yourself! You'd hate it. The mere mention of it made me cry (the only time I cried during my whole pregnancy, yay for me). It's worse than prison. I'd rather have gotten pillaged by a crazed lesbian in my jail cell than have to lay there for another day!



What you wish you looked like waddling

Waddling isn't a good look. Nobody looks sexy when they waddle. When you're "with baby/babies" you can ONLY waddle. People comment in public about how cute you are and you want to claw their eyes out, just for fun!

You like sleep? FORGET ABOUT IT! I don't know if it's the hormones flowing or the fact that beached whales can't be comfortable on land, but if you sleep a couple hours each night, consider it a blessing. FIND A HOBBY! My house is filled with art and DIY projects because, yep, you guessed it, that's what I did ALL NIGHT LONG every.single.night!

Peeing all the time? Back aches? Nah, I traded BOTH of those in for a nightly dose of reflux. Do yourself a favor, get some OTC meds. I waited way too long because I didn't want it to hurt the babies. Your baby won't care if you take pharmaceuticals (the little leeches also enjoy an adult beverage every now and then).

Towards the end you're checking for stretch marks every day. You wonder how you can be so big but not have any. Don't just check your belly! Check those chunky thighs of yours too. It's silly, really. NO amount of cocoa butter lotion will help so just go with the flow. If you don't get them, great (I only have a few), if you get them, just do what other women do, and PRETEND they're great, pretend you love them, and tell others "you earned them". Bwhahaha, yeah right!

Then you reach the final stages. You are SO excited to be done with pregnancy, because, face it, it sucks! The end result is great, but the process, not so much. You wake up one morning and your crotch feels like it's just going to fall out. How can a crotch fall out you ask? I have no idea, but if you've been through a pregnancy, you know what I'm talking about.



Yes, that's really me. YIKES!

Thanks for joining me on this rant! Until next time, folks!

Overnight Diapers

Tonight I bought overnight diapers. True story folks! My demons are sleeping through the night. What dimwit (why have I always thought the word was "nimwit"?) defined "sleeping through the night" anyway? Six hours seems to be the magic number...boy what a crock. I feel totally gipped! You put them down at 7:30, and if they don't wake up until 1:30 then they've slept through the night?!?! BUT my magical demons are sleeping from 7:30pm to 6:30am with minimal interruptions. There is the sporadic screaming, the moaning for their damn binkies, and the "I just want to know someone else is still alive" mumblings that go on, but for the most part, my wish has been granted and they now SLEEP!

This brings us to the need for "overnight diapers". I've been lucky so far (I mean, it has been ten days that they've slept for 11 hours straight each night) and only had wet clothes to deal with. Are overnight diapers real? Do they really hold more? Why aren't all of us parents using these overnight diapers ALL OF THE TIME?! Will my kids look like miniature sumo wrestlers when they wake up in the morning? I have no idea what to expect. Although I'm the usual optimist (that kind others want to slap), I see these diapers as being nothing more than a marketing ploy used to get us to spend double the money we spend on our daytime diapers...
 

They may look sweet and innocent, but they plot my demise every step of the way!                                          

"It's 3am I Must be Lonely"

 

So the best way to date yourself is to start naming songs that you grew up listening to! While I'm not lonely (at the moment), it is shortly after 3am. Does this happen to you too? A song pops into your unsuspecting brain for every occasion? It's ALMOST worse than an earworm...almost. 

 

For those that know me, know that I have four month old twin boys...also, for those that know me, know that I like to (liked to) do shots. So what's better than taking your babies in for their vaccines and have this glorious song playing in your mind...nothing says "I'm a mom" like this one...

Or how about standing at the fridge. I mean, for God's sake, you're just STANDING there doing NOTHING to provoke a song. You extend your arm, glass in hand, to the get some ice and, yeap, you guessed it, here we go again...

C'mon, admit it, you liked that last one. Had enough? I think I have...because, again...it's 3am. Who in their right mind starts up a blog and posts their first one at 3am? I guess the better question is, "Are any moms of twins, that aren't sleeping through the night, in their right mind"?

Maybe tomorrow at 3am I will figure out how to adjust the things I messed up when creating my little BlogSpot. I leave you with this...