Teething Demon Babies


Most babies give their parents a break between not sleeping through the night and teething. Not only did my "now teething babies" NOT give us a break, they actually overlapped this whole timeline thing they're supposed to follow (what jerks)! Ok, so they're babies; I'll cut them a little slack and I'll be thankful that we are actually getting this all over with sooner rather than later.



Photo by Polar Cruises

My monsters got their two bottom teeth at four months and now they're working on their top teeth.  I swear, when babies cut teeth they morph into demons. There's no nice way to put it. You'd think they were sprouting walrus tusks with the way they carry on. I'm not into medications for babies (or adults for that matter), so they don't get the "almighty" teething pills I've heard so much about. What do they get? They get frozen wash cloths, teething rings, and, their favorite, MY FINGER!


Here's my suggestions on dealing with teething babies.

1) Distract them. I don't care how you do it. Distracted babies are happy babies! I choose to dance around like a banchee in my living room. I shake my booty, I do the chicken dance, I even did a somersault today! Have you ever thought about what a weird word somersault is? Somersault.

2) When you've burned more calories than you've taken in for the day AND the teething babies are no longer amused with your cool dance moves, shove that frozen washcloth in their mouth. A full piehole is a quiet piehole! How exactly do you freeze a washcloth? First, wash a few with no detergent and use some vinegar in the wash cycle (to remove all the chemicals). If they've dried, get them wet and ring them out. At this point you can just wad them up and throw them in the freezer, BUT what I do is roll them up into tight little Swiss Cake Roll looking things. You're done. Give them to your teething babies as needed.

3) Your demonic, teething babies will only chew on these washcloths for so long and then they're back to carrying on like nobody's business. At this point, let them scream for a few minutes to tire them out, and put them down for a nap. FORGET about their "schedule" because your sanity is more important! I figure they need extra sleep anyway... growing teeth is hard work don't you know!

4) The babies will wake up at some point...and you will cringe. But don't worry, it will be fine! This is temporary! Keep that in mind! I've found they've kind of reset themselves after sleeping, so they're good to play for a while before they "remember" they hate life. Let them play! I put them on their play mats (and keep all small toys away) so that they don't focus on things that fit in their mouths.

5) Keep repeating this horrid cycle until bedtime. Mix it up a bit throughout the day by keeping your "adult sippy cup" aka wine glass (or in my case, Jack and Coke cup) full. Buy some earplugs; trust me, you can still hear their screams with them in. And, remember, "enjoy these times because they don't last forever"! Bwhahahaha, don't you love (hate) it when people tell you that ;)

What's to love about Pregnancy?

It's Throw Back Thursday, so I'm taking you back to the days, not long ago, when I was the size of a small manatee. When people talk about how much they LOVED being pregnant, a little piece of me shrivels up and dies...because they are TOTALLY lying. I had two life-sucking leeches in my small uterus that took my life energy, while I denied myself the basic joys of living (you know, alcohol, exercise, sex). I'm old, 37, plus I had twin babies, plus I took fertility meds...so this pregnancy was high-risk on every level imaginable, BUT I can't imagine it'd be any more enjoyable had I been younger or only carrying one baby. God bless my husband for being such a good sport!

I escaped nausea and puking and being completely miserable when eating! SCORE! Oh wait, what does that mean exactly? It means I ate everything in sight and had the weight gain to prove it... I was out of breath walking up a flight of stairs. I didn't look pregnant, I just looked plain FAT.

Oh and then there's bed rest, ugh. The placenta... you know, the nasty thing that lives alongside your baby and feeds them until they're born...yeah, well mine was over my cervix. Guess that that means?! BED REST! Ok, ok, for all of you that think, "I would LOVE to be able to just lay in bed all day every.single.day. and watch TV, read, and relax," you're only fooling yourself! You'd hate it. The mere mention of it made me cry (the only time I cried during my whole pregnancy, yay for me). It's worse than prison. I'd rather have gotten pillaged by a crazed lesbian in my jail cell than have to lay there for another day!



What you wish you looked like waddling

Waddling isn't a good look. Nobody looks sexy when they waddle. When you're "with baby/babies" you can ONLY waddle. People comment in public about how cute you are and you want to claw their eyes out, just for fun!

You like sleep? FORGET ABOUT IT! I don't know if it's the hormones flowing or the fact that beached whales can't be comfortable on land, but if you sleep a couple hours each night, consider it a blessing. FIND A HOBBY! My house is filled with art and DIY projects because, yep, you guessed it, that's what I did ALL NIGHT LONG every.single.night!

Peeing all the time? Back aches? Nah, I traded BOTH of those in for a nightly dose of reflux. Do yourself a favor, get some OTC meds. I waited way too long because I didn't want it to hurt the babies. Your baby won't care if you take pharmaceuticals (the little leeches also enjoy an adult beverage every now and then).

Towards the end you're checking for stretch marks every day. You wonder how you can be so big but not have any. Don't just check your belly! Check those chunky thighs of yours too. It's silly, really. NO amount of cocoa butter lotion will help so just go with the flow. If you don't get them, great (I only have a few), if you get them, just do what other women do, and PRETEND they're great, pretend you love them, and tell others "you earned them". Bwhahaha, yeah right!

Then you reach the final stages. You are SO excited to be done with pregnancy, because, face it, it sucks! The end result is great, but the process, not so much. You wake up one morning and your crotch feels like it's just going to fall out. How can a crotch fall out you ask? I have no idea, but if you've been through a pregnancy, you know what I'm talking about.



Yes, that's really me. YIKES!

Thanks for joining me on this rant! Until next time, folks!

Overnight Diapers

Tonight I bought overnight diapers. True story folks! My demons are sleeping through the night. What dimwit (why have I always thought the word was "nimwit"?) defined "sleeping through the night" anyway? Six hours seems to be the magic number...boy what a crock. I feel totally gipped! You put them down at 7:30, and if they don't wake up until 1:30 then they've slept through the night?!?! BUT my magical demons are sleeping from 7:30pm to 6:30am with minimal interruptions. There is the sporadic screaming, the moaning for their damn binkies, and the "I just want to know someone else is still alive" mumblings that go on, but for the most part, my wish has been granted and they now SLEEP!

This brings us to the need for "overnight diapers". I've been lucky so far (I mean, it has been ten days that they've slept for 11 hours straight each night) and only had wet clothes to deal with. Are overnight diapers real? Do they really hold more? Why aren't all of us parents using these overnight diapers ALL OF THE TIME?! Will my kids look like miniature sumo wrestlers when they wake up in the morning? I have no idea what to expect. Although I'm the usual optimist (that kind others want to slap), I see these diapers as being nothing more than a marketing ploy used to get us to spend double the money we spend on our daytime diapers...
 

They may look sweet and innocent, but they plot my demise every step of the way!