Motherhood is overwhelming at best...on a good day! Now I'm not saying it's "overwhelmingly bad", I'm just saying it is a lot to take on. Before the baby gets here you read all kinds of monotonous information about what to expect during the first year. Yes, of course, there are bits and pieces that might actually apply to YOU, YOUR relationship with your spouse, YOUR body, and even YOUR baby but let's face it, most of the information out there is best-case scenario dipped in a nice sugary, candy shell. So, you ask, "What is worse than getting bits and pieces of the truth from 'informational sources' as you battle your way through your first year as a parent?" How about getting a big, steamy pile of misinformation from other moms who are TOO SCARED to tell it how it is!
Competition amongst moms is alive and well in our society - trust in that. It's more vicious out there than a cockfight ring gone bad! There's always the moms that have to one up the other moms. You know the ones... the ones that have you thinking that their baby flew right out of the chute fully potty trained and singing their ABC's. C'mon now ladies, let's KEEP IT REAL. We all know your baby is your pride and joy; my babies are the most perfect little angels too! Ok, ok, no, they're not. Not by any stretch of even the most imaginative of imaginations. As a parent, we need to focus on the truth when it comes to our little ones and leave the embellishing for other parts of our lives (perhaps the sex life...just sayin'). We need to quit omitting the "not so great" parts of motherhood so that new mommies know they're not alone. What's the old adage? "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best"?
With a year of motherhood under my belt, I feel competent enough at this point to give this advice - Other moms suck. Other moms lie. Other moms want you to think their babies crap Skittles and fart rainbows. Other moms are insecure and fear they're doing something wrong so they withhold information that you, as a new mom, might like to have. Other moms want to have the smartest, fastest, prettiest, tallest, best-dressed baby in the world! Other moms don't want you to know their baby's "perceived" issues because in their mind it might reflect poorly on them.
I get it moms! Really, I do. I can't tell you how many times, in my control freakish frenzies, I've looked at my baby boys and thought, "What the heck am I doing WRONG? I'm totally failing at this mom thing!" as they slapped me in the face, cried uncontrollably, threw themselves on the floor, fell off the bed, fell of the couch...you get the picture. Back up the bus, let me be fair. There are many people in my immediate circle that are honest and open about the trials and tribulations of motherhood. With that being said, however, I've found that generally, moms won't share "bad things" with other moms on a casual basis. STOP THE INSANITY ladies!
I've never been good at glossing over the truth- in fact, my inability to lie has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. The way I see it, we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses; this is true of our babies as well. I'm going to reveal some truths, as I've experienced them, during the first year of trying (and succeeding) at keeping two gorgeous little worms alive and thriving.
1. Sometimes the little critter is just not going to sleep. When I say "sometimes", I'm talking NEVER. Sleep is overrated anyhow! You're going to wonder how you function. You'll research and try everything imaginable to get the little booger to sleep. Just stop. Really. You'll drive yourself nuts for no reason because the sad truth is, when they're that little, they'll start sleeping all night "when they damn well please". You'll live, they'll live, and you'll be on to a new, and equally annoying, infant phase!
2. Bad moods are a part of life - even a baby's. I don't know how it happens, but demonic forces WILL take over your child at some point. Hopefully not often and hopefully when it happens, it will subside quickly. I never knew throwing yourself on the floor repeatedly while crying and screaming was an inborn characteristic...until I had babies.
3. Changing diapers sucks. I don't know one person who is excited to smell the petting-zoo-like aroma that clings to your olfactory glands for hours after the deed is done. I don't know one person who can't wait to see what kind of poop was created by the prior meal. My advice - pass it off to your partner as often as possible ;)
4. There will be accidents and you WILL feel terrible. These creatures are quick and they wiggle and they like to trick you. I swear it's a game to them! You'll lay them on the couch, turn to grab a diaper and...THUD...they've met the floor. They freak out, you freak out... you might cry, you'll worry for days, and you'll feel like the worst mom alive. I'd tell you to not be so hard on yourself but it won't do one bit of good.
5. Your baby might have ears that stick out, so what! Just nickname them "Shrekky" and move on. Embrace their differences! Remember, you're going to be molding these young minds and, while they don't know any better now, as they develop more cognitive abilities, you'll want them to love everything about themselves :)
6. You're going to have questions. You're going to ask people things. You are going to hear, "You know your baby better than anyone and you'll just FEEL/KNOW what the right thing for him/her is". Now, trust me when I say that you're going to want to slap the mouth of the 20th person that says this to you (I'm not sure if that's because of the hormones raging through your post pregnancy body or just the general fact that it's annoying).We aren't all born with some instinctual spirit guide whispering in our ear. For those of you that were, good for you! Know this new moms: you don't have to know how to handle every instance, you just have to know where to go to figure out what to do! If you've ever had a job, it's the same theory, different application.
7. Lastly, your baby will likely bite, hit, and scratch you and others while smiling. They are going to do bad things while looking at you to let you know, that they know, they're being bad. They'll sling food while "feeding" and smile. Sooner or later you'll catch on - smiling is their defense against the world. It's hard to keep a straight face and reprimand them when they're being so darn cute. Do it anyway! Ahhhh, who am I fooling - it's impossible.
Hopefully moms will get it someday. Hopefully moms will realize the truth about babies isn't so bad. Hopefully "baby perfection" will become a thing of the past and moms will share stories of truth.In the end, what matters? Keeping it real, what matters is that you've kept incredibly determined, innocent, strong-willed, life-draining, soul-sucking, time-consuming, totally dependent and needy, miniature beings alive (sometimes just barely)! And, if you're lucky like me, they happen to be pretty darn cute too ;)
P.S. I'll try to blog more often and give lots of unsolicited life advice! Muahahahah
